…rearrange furniture.

I don’t like waiting.

But lately, I’ve started wondering if I actually hate waiting or if I just hate not knowing.

Because those are two very different things.

I Can Handle Waiting When I Know What I’m Waiting For

If someone tells me, “You’ll know on Friday,” I’m fine.

Well. I’m mostly fine.

At least I know Friday is coming. There’s a date. There’s an endpoint. I can put it on the calendar and go do something else.

What gets me is when there’s no timeline.

“Maybe.”

“We’ll see.”

“I don’t know yet.”

“Just give it some time.”

Absolutely not.

I just want to know what the hell is going on.

That’s when waiting stops being waiting and starts feeling like I’m stuck in some weird little holding pattern with no idea when I’m getting released.

My Brain Hates an Information Vacuum

Give my brain an unanswered question and apparently it considers that an open invitation.

It starts filling in the blanks.

Maybe this means this.

Maybe that means that.

Maybe I should be doing something.

Maybe I missed something.

Maybe I should prepare for something else entirely.

And suddenly I’m thinking about twelve different possibilities when, in reality, nothing has actually happened yet.

That’s the ridiculous part.

I’m not necessarily waiting for something bad.

I’m waiting for information.

But until I have it, my brain apparently believes it can think its way to an answer.

It cannot.

I know this.

My brain does not care.

I Like Knowing What Comes Next

I think that’s part of why uncertainty gets to me so much.

I like plans. I like knowing what I’m walking into. I like having time to mentally prepare.

And maybe some of that comes from growing up in a house where you never quite knew what mood you were walking into.

When the person in charge can feel like a walking time bomb, you learn to pay attention. You notice the tone of their voice, the way they enter a room, the little shifts that might mean something is about to happen.

You learn to stay prepared because being caught off guard has repercussions.

So maybe it makes sense that I like knowing what comes next.

I don’t need to control every little thing. I just like having enough information to know what the hell is happening.

Because when I don’t, my brain starts looking for clues.

What does this mean? What happens next? Do I need to prepare for something?

And suddenly I’m not really waiting anymore.

I’m bracing.

Meanwhile, Life Is Still Happening

And I think that’s the part I’m trying to catch myself doing.

I get so focused on whatever I’m waiting for that everything else starts to feel like filler.

I’m waiting for an answer while today is happening.

I’m waiting to see how something turns out while my actual life keeps moving.

I’m waiting for the next chapter while I’m already in the middle of one.

Nothing has actually stopped. I’m just mentally standing there, staring at the clock.

And sometimes there’s nothing I can do to make whatever I’m waiting for happen any faster.

No problem to solve.

No extra thing to figure out.

No amount of thinking that’s going to magically produce information I don’t have yet.

There’s just time.

And time is going to move at exactly the speed it wants to.

Maybe I Don’t Hate Waiting

I hate uncertainty.

Because waiting for something I know is coming is actually pretty easy for me.

I can wait months for a book or a game when I have a release date. Give me a date and I’m good.

Change that release date three times, though?

Now we have a problem.

Because at least when I know what I’m waiting for, I can put it somewhere in my brain and move on with my life.

It’s the things with no clear answer that get me.

Not knowing if something is going to happen.

Not knowing when it’s going to happen.

Not knowing what I’m going to have to deal with when it does.

That’s the part that makes me want to keep checking, keep thinking, keep looking for clues.

And unfortunately, that’s also just part of being an adult.

There are always going to be things outside my control, taking their sweet fucking time.

I Guess This Is Where I Am

I don’t think I’m ever going to become someone who genuinely enjoys waiting.

I’m still going to refresh my email.

I’m still going to check for updates.

I’m still going to get annoyed when something gets delayed.

I’m still going to want answers before they’re available.

That part of me probably isn’t going anywhere.

It isn’t always the waiting that bothers me.

It’s the not knowing what I’m waiting for.

And unfortunately, there isn’t always anything I can do about that.

Sometimes I’ll get an answer tomorrow.

Sometimes it’ll take a week.

Sometimes whatever I’m waiting for will get delayed six more times because apparently that’s how life works.

So I’ll wait.

I’ll complain about it, obviously.

But I don’t have to spend every minute between now and then staring at the clock.

Because my life isn’t on pause just because I’m waiting for something.

It’s still happening.

I just need to remember to actually be here for it.